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Dangerous Me

It’s not like I haven’t done it before.


During an evening shift at the office, running a crew, I crept in unannounced and stood behind a wall that served to divide foot traffic to the left and right sides of the building and hide the cubicles from view at the entrance.


The nature of the business required the employees to make telephone calls, but they often got distracted.


While some immersed themselves in pointless blather, one heard knocking.


She didn’t realize it was me, behind that barrier rapping the oak trim.


“Did you hear that?” she asked.


I stopped.


She shouldn’t have cared whether someone was at the front door because it was closed to the public, but she couldn’t help herself.


I knocked again, softly.


“Someone’s there!” she told her coworkers. They couldn’t be bothered. Their conversations were too engaging.


Shirley focused on the sound.


I knocked again.


“I’m going to see who it is!” she told the others.


Just as she reached the barrier that hid me, I stood out and in a calm voice said, “Hello.”


She froze in shock surprise, stumbling backward in slow motion against a tall cabinet then sliding to the floor.


She sat motionless facing away from me.


I thought, “I’ve killed an old woman!”  She was the supervisor and the shift wasn’t even over.


The face of one of the jabberers, full of delight at the sight of her convinced me she was okay, so I went to check. As I approached she held up a hand and I pulled her to standing. She cursed me and girl pounded my chest several times while demanding that I never do ‘that’ again.


Of course I was unrepentant, simply having proven that a safety rule  wasn’t being followed.


She wasn’t dead! Sigh of relief.


Another time, I came around to the back and knocked on the door that no one was supposed to open. I held on the handle so that at the moment some rule breaker turned it, I could quickly push it open.

Worked like a charm!

Elaina was curious and went to open. I made my entrance! Rather than her being able to pull the door open as planned, she found it being pushed open by person unknown (harmless me) and it unnerved her so that she  collapsed backward against the wall, panting.


Apparently she’d forgotten Janet’s experience.

Octogenarian Janet had someone else open the door one night when I knocked. It opened just a crack and then suddenly I burst in to find Janet poised with a phone book high over her head to destroy the dangerous predator that shouldn’t have been invited in.

The sight of me and the suddenness of my entrance caused her to gasp and collapse in the usual manner.


None of these people could explain why they would give up the protection of a locked building other than that they just had to know who was there.


As to why the sight of me, someone they knew and trusted, would  shock them, none could explain. “We didn’t know it would be you.”


People are funny.


It works pretty much the same if I’m inside the building too. They go out for fresh air that’s been double purified by an ignited white stick and it’s magic smoke. They catch up on each others inspiring lives and then return inside. As one of them grabs the door and starts to turn the handle, I might then quickly pull the door wide open for them.


You would think they’d be greatful, but no. They want to harm me and their language becomes unladylike. (for those of you who want dirt against me, this is all made up and none of it really ever happened and I’m so sorry for misleading you!)


So, continuing my apparent war against women, I visited my mom in the ICU tonight. She looked better and welcomed me warmly. During the course of chatting, I revealed something she hadn’t previously known.


“Mom, did you know I’m medicated?”


Her eyebrows went up, signalling interest. She hadn’t known. We have not seen much of each other in recent years, after all.


“I’m on Damitol,” I confessed.


She looked suprised.


“And the dose depends on how much Imbecillin the people around me are using”


Next thing you know, her eyes are closed and she’s convulsing and I’m sure I’ve done her in.


The nurse was right there and I told her I feared I’d made a problem. She smiled and pointed out, “she’s laughing!”


Sure enough. Her eyes opened and she looked amused.


Diverting from this theme, I point out that I’d just come from my fathers bed, where he has improved greatly. So much so that while I was standing outside in the hall waiting, he called me in.


Yesterday he could barely talk, so that was huge : )


He’d scored a treasured sip of cold water during the day and was much more talkative. They gave him a haircut and shaved his chin. When I commented that he looked like a thumb with a face on it his face to lit up pleasantly.

All in all it was quite satisfying to see that short relief from their troubles by diversion.






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