Note to self:

Don’t go there.

Just now I had the brilliant and generally good self advice to avoid speaking of my self where ever and whenever anyone else can be the subject of the conversation or comment. Don’t talk about myself. Then I remembered that while that’s good advice, the reason is why. If someone wants to hear the tale of me and the bike and the stinging nettles, then fine. Do tell it.

Here’s the danger in a nutshell for me. I have a molecular level communications defect that allows me to say exactly what I mean but in a way that conveys the exact opposite meaning and effect. That makes it the most dangerous thing ever to tell some of my life experiences. Most are not worth copying. It’s embarrassing.

People fill out the details according to their own taste. The story I tell may not be the story they think they hear. It’s a potential disaster where something innocent becomes the opposite.

I ask what time it is. She asks, “what do you really mean? I know you. There’s always more?”

No. Actually I just wondered what time it was.

I wonder how many people have come away with deflated views of me after a story that said something to them that I would never have thought of.

And yet, the critical minded are no concern to Christ who told people, “You’ve seen what I do. Do the same. Be as I am.”

It’s good to be copy worthy, but the really good stories about people are about when things didn’t go so well. The voice of alternative thinking tells you that inspiring emulation is conceited. It may be in some cases, but if it’s true – if following someone’s lead is a safe directive then setting a good example is crucial.

So if the story might have value it must be understood. That said, there is only so much care one can take before it’s also discovered that people will believe what they prefer and others will interpret things according to their objectives. This is how Santa Clause stays alive. People like what the myth supports. If you tell their children differently, maybe reveal the truth that there is no such being, then you risk the wrath of those who rely on that tradition for their purposes. Santa is hands-off.

My history is more filled with ignorance and blindness about how to proceed in satisfying goals than about misbehavior. There were close calls and there were long diversions from the path of peace and by and large each one reaffirmed that if a person wants to do well and to advance in ways that matter to the eternities, then that person can not lose. The lessons, setbacks, and ill advised miss steps still allow one to stay the course and succeed.

They may not gain the world, but it slips away anyway and should.

People do their sizing up routine. I posted this photo on social media after finding it in a box of relics and was surprised at the mixed responses.

I’d chipped at a stump for days with an ax in an effort to remove it from either a future yard or day basement foundation and I had to take a rest. Dad snapped a photo. The worst commentary was a person who viewed it as a vanity. But I didn’t take the picture or even know it had been taken till years after. It was me resting.

Still, I much prefer talking with people about their world than mine.

Note to self:             Just do it. Throw in all the way and just do it.

For most of my adult life I have avoided some things with dread. The biggest and most pertinent example is car repair but there are many more.

With car repair there have always been the tasks that were just a big mystery and that were far too involved. They were common repairs that I just found daunting even though I’d not done them ever before. Like a clutch repair. Or a suspension repair.

The huge lesson of the Europa cars has been that what needs done must be done and most of the time should not be handed off unless the hand off is some benefit or another. Other mechanics can take away the grease and frustration but they can also introduce other problems. It all came to a head with the chassis rebuild of 2015 and the great saga of the clutch recently. The car is still not on the road and it’s been in excess of three full months.

I became angry and frustrated partly because this is too much. Too much time, too much money, too much frustration! Too much!

It came to a head when after all the drama, the clutch didn’t work at all when I got the car put back together.

So now I know that there are two sides to a clutch disk and this is what happens if the thing goes in backward.

There were no instructions with the parts and there was no mention of this caveat in any directions I found before doing the operation.

So I got it wrong.

As if to poke and torment me, the entire repair sequence has been characterized by unending obstacles. Tools dissappear, parts don’t fit and also vanish, and other vexations abound. I got all worked up. But then I realized that it takes what it takes. It doesn’t matter that there are a plethora of   unpleasantries that come with  the tasks. What matters is that come what may, the things that need done get done and get done correctly. I went in one day from being tormented with angst to tormented and laughing about it. It does seem as if someone in the dark netherworlds has been tasked with pestering my progress with the rediculous disappearances of parts, tools, and procedure recollection.

Okay then, I factor that  in and roll on.

The same principles apply to people problems. Keep at it. How long can rolling waters remain impure? They’re a little less sure than a car which will actually finally work right but the principles are similar. Keep at it and most people respond.

Note to self: there is a reason why you love the things you adore.

I had a favorite pair of shoes that were so superior that when they wore out I took them to a shoe guy for repair. They were fantastic.

When I went to get them I didn’t recognize them at all. I saw them for their comfort and utility and so they looked better in my memory and mind’s eye than they did on the shelf with a repair tag. Had the cobbler not grabbed them off his shelf for me I could not have picked them out.

No matter, they still worked. They just didn’t look so good.

There is a fellow in California who takes advantage of this with cars. He finds old vehicles with interesting patina and makes them new. He adds AC and modern steering. He beefs up the braking system. He makes the car new but works carefully to hide all the updates. The car looks like an old derelict but works like a modern vehicle. Some people like that because it means they can park anywhere. It means they can surprise people. It means they can enjoy the ambiance of days gone by without sacrificing safety or reliability.

Back to this particular note to self though. I discovered that there are clever sayings for this thought. One is ‘where there is smoke there is fire’.

Where there is love, there is purpose. I realize there are perversions of this concept but that’s a given. Those always show up to share the limelight where they can. It doesn’t mean the underlying point is any less valid, just that it will be that much more likely to be abused by interpretation.

Accepting this observation has put me back on track, but I’m still in the nervously testing stage of regaining my balance.

I paint three subjects. None are dishonorable and all are worthy.

I’ve begun seeking out sketch opportunities. For several years I’ve had a gnawing sense that there is a drawing language I must learn and master. Particularly with life portraiture and life sketch of people this matters. My current style leads to very good results but imposes serious limits on expression. The language I am impressed to master would open the whole thing up and I could create far more powerful art with greater ease than before if I will just learn. I have been timid about rolling forward because the learning curve is substantial and I’m a slow study.

So I’ve begun in earnest. As with the mechanical work on the ancient vehicles, it simply must be attended to until it’s right.

Two advantages are promised. Namely, greater flexibility and ability in rendering those nuances of human expression that make them beautiful, and simplified process. Better results and more of them. Win win.

I’ve found some who are happy to sit for sketches and they’re crucial. I feel much like I did when I began to learn digital editing software. It was very frustrating and difficult when first I tried and for a year. Now it’s essential. I’ve typically drawn tweens and teens because they’re not overly self aware, they’re easy to schedule, and their enthusiasm is wonderful. Even they get difficult to schedule so there is a studio in Portland that brings in models and for $10 you get three hours to sketch or paint them. I haven’t tried that, but it might be valuable. I do like sketching real people though as opposed to professional posers. Real people get busy and eventually lose interest so that’s probably why Hipbone studios thrives. I should try them.

Strange, the call to do this technique mastery has been with me since I was ten. It’s just been more pressing in recent years.  Some things take lots of prep and lots of correlating experience. Note to self: pay attention to recurring promptings!