Even knowing this stuff, I fall into the same traps. Just not so readily as when I was younger. Maybe there will be more joy and less bewilderment if you and I factor this thing I call ‘state’ in more often.
We live in a world where things have many faces, partly because of changes made to them that we call their ‘state’. Most obvious is water, which sloshes around in the bottom of your boat or drinking glass but then sets hard as ice, and finally evaporates into the sky. Or if you have a disconnected duct, into the muggy confines of your laundry room. We know this. We want it in a state of coldness to drink, or if we want it flavored we’ll boil it and stick things in it. Food won’t cook in it without it’s state being altered from cool to very hot. We even play with the state in the path to getting what we want. So gelatin is stirred into boiled water and then at some point cold water is added.
We make things turn into other things using state changes. That is why brownies start life as a gloppy batter, but end them as finger food. Pancakes too.
I bring this up because even though we realize this must be so with cooking, smelting iron out of rocks, and propelling our car by turning a liquid into an exploded gas repeatedly, we don’t seem to get that relationships with people are just as affected by changes of state.
This is a strange thing to observe, because we know better. I know that people get it, because they do things that are calculated to modify the state the other person wants to accept. That is why we have sayings and terms like, “flatter”, “butter up”, “kiss up” and “provoke”.
New relationships are special because the pairing are experiencing a wonderful ride where they both over emphasize the glories they see in each other and work at stoking that emotional firebox. Very cute.
We naturally have expectations based on hour hopes and dreams and watch to see if events seem to support those.
That doesn’t always work out so well.
An extreme example is provided by narcissistic cads who have no intention of being troubled with the trials of mature relationships but will go to great lengths to enjoy starter romances for the epic high as long as it can be nursed along. At that point they get off the merry go round and run, leaving a mess and tears. Rather than lose momentum, the cad is already working on the next start up.
The problem in such a situation is that at least one party by design will not ride it into the logical steps of maturation while the other party has no idea of that unthinkable reality. Why? When the objectives are different but the means of achieving them look identical, the party that hasn’t figured out yet that it isn’t for keeps will depend on the feedback that makes the new love so enjoyable. Both parties have good reason to be pleased because it’s a lot of fun. One will not stick around .
For many people, one run in with a narcissist or a cad is enough. They see the signs and save themselves. First timers, especially when they’ve not been alerted to the all too obvious red flags as indicators of trouble, will not have a clue. The cad depends on this.
Falling prey to an emotional predator isn’t the point here though. I just got side tracked by the recollection of how many people I’ve seen have to deal with one.
In healthy human interactions, misunderstandings follow failure to factor in ‘state’. The moron whose driving has you on edge may be coming home from a second full shift at work. They’re exhausted but also they may still be keyed up from the intensity of their job. Watch yourself though, because if the old claim is true that accidents always have three events that lead up to them then you may get into a pickle.
Example of three events: you didn’t get enough sleep because your baby is sick and you were up with her. That’s two events: lack of sleep and worry. Now the driver ahead of you won’t turn right until the light changes even though the lanes are clear, and you are fed up with it and pass to the right into the bike lane and cut off a cyclist. There you are. Three events. The slow poke driver takes off when the light changes and you’re sitting there looking for your insurance card while the officer approaches and the pretty lights fill your back window. The cyclist is whooping it up and being very dramatic, and wants to teach you a thing or two.
We all change states. It’s a good thing. But basing important decisions about your life, safety, or anything permanent on the sole advisement of an emotion or a con mans carefully crafted situation where you must act now or lose out is a recipe for tears. It’s an invitation to ruinous diversions.
A friend who adores his wife told me that he used to regularly wonder if he even knew her and if he had made the right pick. Then he realized that it was not only regular, but it was connected to what a Russian friend told me is called her ‘critical days’. Things settled down and he got the wife he understood back until about four weeks later. He learned not to make big decisions during the critical days.
I think that’s the ticket in a nut shell. Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary states or emotions. You could marry a wallet, and then the lad loses his job and you discover his parents hired him to give him ‘a start’ but even they couldn’t afford his foolishness and now what have you got? His money is gone and it turns out he didn’t have much else to offer. Oops. Wealth is a state. It can and often is be replaced by something less.
Getting back to the narcissist, they can’t keep the act up forever. They can have extra staying power if you can be milked for goodies, but you’ll typically discover later that they had several poles in the water and had neglected to adhere to the monogamy they professed to and expected from you. They typically have a moody streak and a temper when you don’t do as you’re told.
Making important life decisions based on something that can easily change tomorrow is like building on sand. This may be the basis for the tradition called an “engagement” which gives you time to determine if the person you are so in love with is that person. It gives you time to settle down and normalize and think clearly. It gives time for both of you to be certain that what you’re basing your conclusions on really exists in that other person.
And yes, people can be hurt or get sick or have pressures beyond what they experienced during the courtship, but if they’re true then you will both find answers and deal with whatever comes your way, together.
Day to day with workmates, neighbors, and strangers who pass through your world it’s good to cut others some slack. There are always circumstances you know nothing of that can drive that person to be less than their best temporarily. You cut them some slack and others cut you some slack and we all get along.
I stated at the start that I fall into the ‘trap’. With me it’s stupid breaches of inconsistency like giving the attractive the benefit of the doubt with no other reason. Good looks is a temporary state. All it takes is a change of mood and a pretty face loses all it’s charm. Especially if the person behind the face is actually ugly. I finally have achieved a track record of treating people equitably, but every so often I slip.
The two butterflies at the top of the page are one. The top side and the bottom side. Your experience with someone or something may not tell the whole story. Maybe there’s another side that’s much different. Time will tell, if you have the luxury of time to find out.
